“T’ain’t no thang,” he says, setting down his legs in a tantric position. She observed him from across the room and decided that the flow of leather against his denim was enough of a liner to drop her panties.

The last two days have seen me striding two energies: that of my wanderlust and that of my need to provide. Sunday, I turned to mine and I told her that there are some curves she doesn’t possess, and some needs she doesn’t fulfill, and pointed my bike south towards Casa Grande.

Phoenix is a grimy town caked in the dust of its own progress, but outside, there’s nothing but the road, cactus, lolling mountain, and the remains of the Hohokahm. I followed some lazy curves until I came to a structure that had been standing since the 1400s. It crumbled at me and I decided to celebrate by eating at a trashy Mexican restaurant. Sometimes, all I need is a bottle of Pepsi chilled to slush, and the dirty smears of the road.

Today, after work, I decided to surprise mine with a new showerhead. We’ve wanted one of those heads that simulate rain. I find it at Target and bring it home proudly.

Me man. Me provide good. Me deposit hunt in front of woman. Woman go ooh. Shiny. 60 nozzle heads and 9 inch extension. Man provide good. Man reward what? Man get shower woman.

I decided to try to install the showerhead while cooking dinner. The shower pipe and I had words. I wanted it off. It wouldn’t budge. I threatened to strip it. It laughed at me. I came after it with a knife. It stood stoically.

I think I’ll have to buy a monkey wrench and show it who’s who. I wear the fucking pants in this house. That’s right. ME.