Sideways into the Grave

From the sidekick at 2:26pm

Went in search of matzo. Loaded the bike. Backpack and stretchy thing.
Repeated the mantra, two wheels good, four wheels bad. Orwell spins in
his grave. I think ill get a hatchback when I get to phoenix. A nice
civic clunker or a wood paneled station wagon. Who cares how it looks.
Long as its under a grand and has air conditioning. I can do my own
mechanical work. Give me tools and a book. The parents have a garage.
Think ill put up a cork wall and hang tools. Easy access. Need tools? Go
to the garage. They're splayed on the wall. Metric and 'merican kept
separate. Demarcations make life easy.

First stop was Kroger’s. Got matzo? Sure. Aisle 4. Went to aisle four.
Nothing but mustard and peanut butter. Wander confused. Find another
guy. Got matzo? Sure. We have different brands of mustard, and peanut
butter too. Not mustard, matzo. Please write it on the board, I'm not
getting you. M A T Z O. Hey man, we don't sell that stuff here.

Could go home but decided to swing by the local delicacy mart. Sell
upscale shit. Ten-dollar bars of chocolate. My aunt would swoon. Figured
they'd be worth a shot. If not, I'd at least get Boylan. Nice brand of
soda. They use pure cane sugar. The American corn syrup market oozes in
protest. Once bought a bottle of corn syrup from Wal-Mart. Thought it’d
sweeten my mornings. It didn't.

Found a woman to ask for matzo. She takes me to pasta. Where is the
matzo? There. Not that, matzo. This is pasta there p a s t a pasta. No
ma'am I want matzo m a t z o matzo not pasta. We don't sell that stuff.
I go to get boylans. Sir, if you wish to purchase soda please go to the
front counter. Ma'am, I'm Jewish and deaf, not stupid. Sorry, we aren't
used to either Jews or deaf people in this town. Don't worry ma'am, I
won't commit obscene acts of usury upon your person.

I leave the shop with a godiva dark chocolate bar and boylan ginger ale.
Dry. Pale. Sit outside and enjoy my bike. Duct tape and shattered
plastic sure is sexy. Going to keep it ugly. Theft insurance in phoenix.
Don't think they want old, ugly bikes. Open the chocolate. Break off a
piece. It is sweet.

Told her I wanted a simple love, like my love for motorcycles or dark
chocolate. Find me a girl who is as good as a godiva dark chocolate bar
and I will be happy. sweet. Refined. Sophisticated. Bold. A big booty
helps too. She says love ought to be complicated and rich. Tax forms are
complicated. No one loves the IRS. Chocolate and soda on a spring
afternoon is simple. Who doesn't love that?

Will resume the hunt for matzo after class. So much work tonight. Frat
shit from 7-10. Paper. Bio. I want a list of similes by Tuesday am.
Jahwol. I don't even do this for credit.

The dyke jumps out of the way. A scooter roars past. She shakes her tiny
fist. Lady you look like a ten-year-old boy. I've got more nuts than
you, man. Hillary Swank cries.

The flowers are in bloom. I smell them. Your nose is continental he
asks? It is refined. I see girls by scent. The quiet one in class walks
down the street. I don't call after her. Once approached her after class
to talk. She shook visibly. I scare shy women. You're something else,
she told me. Why's that? Something about you.

Got an email from one of my friends. Your life is this, she wrote. I
paraphrase. Who wants to die pretty? Best fly into the grave with wine,
chocolate, and a battered body, screaming woah, what a ride. Sums me up,
she says. Baby, if you only had an idea.

Been planning my route to phoenix. Original plans slate to little rock.
That is in doubt. Air force is heading to the sandbox again. Am upset but
its not my government. If that doesn't fly, west through Iowa to
Nebraska, and south to Kansas. Have two choices. West to Denver and then
New Mexico, or southwest through Oklahoma and Texas. Want to go through
Colorado, but best through Texas. We shall see. three weeks to plan.
Leave at sunup on the 15th. Aim to be in phoenix by June.

Time of your life. Thanks green day.

~ I write with your life and my own ~


Appendum: Found Matzo. At Jewel. Barely.

The full quote of the quote my friend sent me is below.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely, in an attractive, and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, screaming “WOAH! WHAT A RIDE!”